120 Funny Quotes To Make You Laugh Out Loud
Laughter is one of the best medicines for the soul. It has immense power to reduce stress, boost happiness and bring people together. This collection of funny quotes aims to do exactly that – provide a good laugh. From legendary comedians to modern satirists, witty observers of life to pun-loving jokesters, these quotes promise to elicit chuckles and smiles.
The article is divided into three main sections for easy browsing. The first section features random one-liners guaranteed to make you chuckle. Ranging from wordplays to observable absurdities, these quick laughs are perfect for lightening the mood. The second part focuses on longer humorous musings and observations from famous comedians. Reading their insightful yet hilarious perspectives on life is certain to leave you in splits.
Finally, the last section collects pun-tastic plays on words that are as enjoyable to read as they are to say out loud. Full of double meanings and unexpected associations, these quotes in particular are best appreciated when shared with friends or family for maximum fun. With jokes spanning topics from daily troubles to social satire, there is sure to be a funny quote here for everyone’s taste.
(1) Best hilarious one-liners
“I really wish my boss would learn the difference between ‘can’ and ‘may’.” – Anonymous
“Ships are safest in harbors, but that’s not what ships are for.” – Anonymous
“To me, ‘Just doing my job’ is not an excuse. I’m supposed to think on my feet and do what’s right, regardless of what I’m told. Otherwise I’m just a mindless clone following orders.” – Anonymous
“I tried to find the elevator of success…got stuck in the shaft of confusion instead.” – Anonymous
“I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.” – Groucho Marx
“I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.” – Anonymous
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” – Mark Twain
“The harder I work, the luckier I get.” – Gary Player
“Those who think they have not time for bodily exercise will sooner or later have to find time for illness.” – Edward Stanley
“Surely there is nothing in this world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.” – Charles Dickens
“Women should be obscene and not heard.” – Groucho Marx
“A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.” – Anonymous
“My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.” – Erma Bombeck
“A person who won’t read has no advantage over one who can’t read.” – Mark Twain
“There’s never enough time to do it right, but there’s always enough time to do it over.” – John Wooden
“Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.” – Emo Philips
“Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.” – Oscar Wilde
“Here’s my number, call me maybe.” – Carly Rae Jepsen
“I woke up this morning thinking that my life was a joke. Then I remembered that I don’t actually have a life.” – Anonymous
“How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!” – Anonymous
(2) Funniest joke quotes of all time
“I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.” – Unknown
“Talk is cheap, but laughter is priceless.” – Unknown
“Happiness keeps you sweet, trials keep you strong, sorrows keep you human, failures keeps you humble, success keeps you glowing but only God keeps you going.” – Joel Osteen
“A fool thinks himself to be wise, but a wise man knows himself to be a fool.” – William Shakespeare
“If there’s grass on the field, play ball. If not, play in the mud.” – Unknown
“With age comes wisdom, but sometimes age comes alone.” – Oscar Wilde
“Television is a medium. So are houses.” – George Carlin
“To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kinda scary. I’ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.” – Dean Danger
“Knock knock. Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?” – Unknown
“I changed my iPod’s name to ‘Titanic.’ It’s syncing now.” – Unknown
“I tried to sell my vacuum cleaner, but all it did was collect dust.” – Unknown
“I’ve got deja vu all over again.” – Yogi Berra
“Only in America can a guy named Louis Burger sell seashells by the seashore.” – Steven Wright
“Mein Kampf… I probably shouldn’t have written that book.” – Adolf Hitler
“The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.” – Bertrand Russell
“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.” – Oscar Wilde
“I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!” – Unknown
“The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” – Unknown
“Smile, it’s free therapy.” – Unknown
“I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.” – Unknown
(3) Unforgettable witty quips and comebacks
“To be honest, my life is kinda like my personality. It’s not funny at all.” – Michael Scott from The Office
“I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.” – Galileo Galilei (1564–1642)
“God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.” – Reinhold Niebuhr (1892–1971)
“Atheism is a non-prophet organization.” – George Carlin (1937-2008)
“Religion is just mind control for stupid people.” – Ricky Gervais (1961-)
“He who dies with the most toys is still dead.” – Gerald Celente
“You know, it’s pretty hard to tell what does and doesn’t actually sum up to one’s character.” – John Green, Paper Towns
“If you were a real friend, you’d be honest with me instead of saying what you think I want to hear.” – Claire Danes as Angela Chase in My So-Called Life
“Smart people learn from everything and everyone, average people from their experiences, stupid people already have all the answers.” – Socrates (469–399 BC)
“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” – Marilyn Monroe (1926-1962)
“Remember to look up at the stars and not down at your feet. Try to make sense of what you see and wonder about what makes the universe exist. Be curious.” – Stephen Hawking (1942-2018)
“Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.” – Thomas Jones
“Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.” – Mark Twain (1835-1910)
“Haters are my motivators.” – Ziwe Fumudoh
“My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.” – Bob Newhart
“When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it.” – Clarence Darrow (1857-1938)
“I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.” – Galileo Galilei (1564–1642)
“Surely you can’t be serious?” “I am serious, and don’t call me Shirley.” – Leslie Nielsen as Dr. Rumack in Airplane! (1980)
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” – Mark Twain (1835-1910)
“Remember no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” – Eleanor Roosevelt (1884-1962)
(4) Clever puns guaranteed to crack you up
“I don’t trip over things, I do strategic object avoidance.” – Unknown
“Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticise them, you’re a mile away and have their shoes.” – Unknown
“I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.” – Unknown
“How does it feel to be unique, just like everybody else?” – Unknown
“When life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.” – Unknown
” Atheism is a non-prophet organization.” – Unknown
” To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.” – Unknown
” I like to joke around by saying overcomplicated things simply and simple things overcomplicatedly. ” – Unknown
” I tried to catch fog yesterday. Mist.” – Unknown
“You know you’re bored with puns when you start telling them to see the reaction.” – Unknown
” I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.” – Unknown
“I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop anytime.” – Unknown
” I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.” – Unknown
“I tried to catch some fog yesterday. I mist.” -Unknown
“Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.” – Unknown
“Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.”- Unknown
“What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.” – Unknown
“I’m currently writing a book on reverse psychology. I’m not going to tell you the name of it though.” – Unknown
“Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.” – Unknown
(5) Wisecracking zingers from great comedians
“I keep wanting to try new things but I’m not good at multi-tasking. I can barely do one stupid thing at a time.” – Rita Rudner
“Half the people you know are below average.” – Tommy Smothers
“I wanted to be rich. So I went and made myself poor.” – Don Rickles
“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“Never follow a hippie to a second location.” – Jack Handey
” You know you’re old when your instincts are slower than your memory.” – Jonathan Katz
“I said to a guy who remarked on how much money I must spend on leg waxing, ‘I don’t spend money on leg waxing. I spend it on highlighting my strengths.'” – Amy Schumer
“My parents didn’t want to move to L.A., but they made a great sacrifice and moved close enough so I could visit them every Christmas in the hospital.” – Rita Rudner
“I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.” – Winston Churchill
“I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are just missing.” – Steve Martin
” The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong… but that’s the way to bet.” – Damon Wayans, Jr
“Trying is the first step towards failure.” – Homer Simpson
” When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it.” – Quentin Crisp
” I apologize to inanimate objects.” – Pete Holmes
“I don’t feel bad about being old; I feel good about being good.” – Mel Brooks
“If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.” – Dolly Parton
” The five most dangerous words in the English language are ‘it seemed like a good idea at the time’.” – Larry David
“You know how you can tell when you’re outgrowing a bar? When you find yourself making excuses to leave at 11 pm because you ‘have to go walk the dog’“ – Paula Poundstone
“My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.” – Erma Bombeck
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work…I want to achieve it through not dying.” – Woody Allen
(6) Side-splitting wise words on life and love
“Always be drunk. That’s my advice. It makes a dull world seem bright.” – Oscar Wilde
“Wise husband, happy life. Foolish husband, impossible life.” – Unknown
“Life is wasted working. You must hurry up and stop.” – Dwight Schrute
“Brief encounters – life’s too short to waste on words.” – Tom Hanks
“Some people ask the secret of my energy and I tell them that I live on positive thinking, the smiles of my family and wine.” – Norman Vincent Peale
“Oh, love! What foolish thoughts often cross the brain; yet we think we’ve found the only one to love or be loved by again.” – William Shakespeare
“We spend our whole lives stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how we’ll escape one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining that future keeps us going, but we never do it. We just use the future to escape the present.” – John Green
“Love is like quicksilver in the hand. Leave the fingers open and it stays. Clutch it, and it darts away.” – Diane Ackerman
“Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.” – Dr. Seuss
“A relationship without trust is like a car without gas. You can stay in it all you want, but it ain’t going anywhere.” – Unknown
“You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.” – Dr. Seuss
“My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” – Socrates
“A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest.” – Irish proverb
“He who has health has hope; and he who has hope, has everything.” – Arabian proverb
“Hope is the thing with feathers / That perches in the soul / And sings the tune without the words / And never stops at all.” – Emily Dickinson
“A relationship with an attitude of gratitude is one with a bright future.” – Unknown
“Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.” – T.S. Eliot
“Cherish yesterday’s memories, dream tomorrow’s dreams, live today’s reality.” – Unknown
“When life gives you lemons, find someone whose life has given them vodka and have a party.” – Ron White
“Don’t go by the shadows that pass by, but by the shadow that stands still.” – Yiddish proverb
Conclusion
These funny quotes provide a much-needed source of levity and comic relief in today’s world. Laughter has positive mental and physical benefits, from reducing stress and anxiety to improving mood and perspective. While life inevitably comes with difficulties, these entertaining quotations remind us not to take ourselves too seriously and to find humor even in challenging times. As you reflect on each humorous saying, I encourage you to consider how they might lighten your mindset and strengthen your ability to smile or laugh each day. Keep these lighthearted words close and refer back to them when you could use a reminder of life’s lighter side.
